My husband was in a bad mood the other day....can you relate??
I was having a hard time engaging playfully with him, and so rather than assume it was an issue with me...and get cold or argumentative myself (a typical couples misunderstanding).
I asked him what was bothering him. Being a Man, and also a man of few words, I waited patiently for him to finally speak up.
He told me how he felt that the world was going to "hell in a handbasket" due to Covid, politics, and other factors, and shared some worries.
I'm more of an optimist, but I chose to not try and discuss/make him wrong. We don't need to join every argument we are invited to!
(FYI the picture is us at Halloween; I painted him as Grumpy Cat, no relation)
I asked him if he preferred to be alone, and he said, not really.
So I determined I would not be pulled into a bad mood myself, and I would maintain my high vibration as the Goddess of the home!
Sundays are normally our deep connection day. We call them Sacred S3xuality Sundays, we use Tantric lovemaking techniques to connect, often for hours.
I suggested making love to put him in a better mood but he said, sorry, not interested. (Hey, rejection happens in the best of couples. It can be handled positively)
Sensing his tension, I said, I insist on giving you a massage!
I pulled out our Craigslist massage table, and turned the lights low.
He had a lot of muscle tension and aches and pains that I started to soothe.
I knew I could boost his spirits using some positive psychology techniques that I have learned from being a positive psychology, sex and relationship coach.
So since I literally had "the upper hand," I asked him to name some things and activities that he enjoyed, and that gave him pleasure. (in girl-world, we might call this self-care!)
He groaned and said, "I don't want to play this game."
I paused the massage....
Then, from behind his black cloud he said, "sex with you, and that's the only thing!"
(Ever notice how when you are in a down mood, how easy it is to forget all the good things in life?)
Rather than get annoyed, I changed the game to, "I'll say one positive thing that I enjoy, then you say one." Back and forth.
As a person who does regular gratitude journaling and self-care, I had many of my own sensual and playful pleasures at the tip of my tongue.
I had to wait, often a few minutes, for his answers while continuing to massage him. (hint: give a man time to answer! His thoughts are often not as top of mind as ours are!)
He knew he had to come up with things, or I would have stopped massaging him!
By the end of the hour or so, Mr. Grumpy Cat came up with at least 15 things that he enjoyed!!
I think he was pleasantly surprised that he actually did have so many things in his life that he enjoyed and appreciated.
Saying them out loud and sharing them with each other meant there was no way he could continue to be in an anxious, the-end-is-coming state.
That yes, it may seem like the world is going to hell, (especially if you watch a lot of news) and the future is unknown, but we still have plenty in our lives that is very good, and safe, in the present moment.
I call this cultivating optimism and gratitude, and it is very doable.
He got his optimism back and so did I.
And now it felt right to make love, which was the icing on the intimacy cake.
(see my prior posts on the importance of planning for, and anticipating lovemaking!)
The next day I tried to recall the 'good things' list, and write them all down, and so now we have a long reference list of self-care and happiness items he can do whenever he feels blue, or better yet proactively to not get frustrated. I hope this is helpful for you!
If you would like to learn the art and the science of happiness and connecting intimately and pleasurably with your man, this is my passion as an intimacy coach for women. I invite you to set up a free call with me!