Updated: Sep 3, 2020
To have more pleasure, know thyself.... Sex ed, and for some of us, parents and religion, taught us that sex was scary, and we should ‘just say no.’ (sex is dirty-- save it for someone you love!) In contrast, women who work with a sex educator/coach receive a world-class, personalized, pleasure-based sexual education. We have a lot of negative messaging to undo; traditionally, women’s sexuality took one of three paths: procreation, repression, or in service of men. Fortunately, we are now overcoming eons of shut-down, and it's time to claim pleasure as our birthright!
Female sexuality hasn’t exactly been national priority (see #metoo). Men walked on the moon decades before the clitoris was understood and mapped. Even today, most men, women and even healthcare professionals still think of the clitoris as pea sized-- when in reality the clitoral network is like an iceberg, with 90% of it under the surface! Women may consider themselves fortunate to experience a single type of orgasm, when there are a half dozen types from A to V! Chasing orgasms often causes them to run away, and relaxing into them without expectation encourages them...the female mind and body are complex and often unpredictable!
The brain is the largest sexual organ; open the mind, and feed it with mindfulness, embodiment, creativity. Neuroplasticity means the brain can adapt to experience more (or no) sexual pleasure. Sex “DOSEs” us with happy hormones (dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin and endorphins) improving our mental health, making us fall in love, and perhaps drawing us to Mr. Wrong! Feel-good hormones are natural and bond us to our partner, but antidepressants strip us of our libido and orgasm….When you add in the libido suppression of the pill and stressful, time-crunched lifestyles, it’s no wonder that a quarter of all marriages are sexless! Low desire is common but not inevitable. Neither is pain!
As females have rarely experienced full ‘choice and voice,’ we may need help with consent and boundaries, triggers, understanding what we do and do not want, and then making requests and offering a boundary lovingly. Knowledge is power, and a woman needs to know herself if she wants to be a desired and satisfied lover. Great lovers are made, not born, and she gains confidence and competence when she understands and explores : her body, desires, fantasies, response cycle, and likes and dislikes, and develops a comfort level that enables her to effectively communicate them to her partner.
We may wonder why our relationship lost the erotic charge it had at the start, and it would help to understand that the experience is typical and natural. Research shows that the qualities we cultivate in healthy, long-term relationships: security, predictability, comfort, closeness (Perel) are paradoxical to the elements that incite passion: mystery, newness, risk. We need to adjust expectations, add creativity and self-care to bring back the spark. Her coach helps her understand male-female differences in relating, attraction, and arousal, and apply them to her own situation.
Studies show that the most sexually satisfied women enjoy emotionally satisfying relationships, and her coach provides her with exercises she can start doing immediately to improve the emotional bond while she works on her sexuality. A woman also needs to understand that people’s needs are different and sometimes don't match up, and that disappointment is a part of life, and that’s ok. Fortunately, expectation setting, gratitude and celebration of the good rather than dwelling on the negative is a focus of life coaching generally. Somatic sex and intimacy coaching not only educates, it supports, cheerleads and empowers a woman so that she creates the sexlife and lovelife of her dreams! #blog#post#sex