Updated: Feb 25
10 Desire Boosters to Brighten Your Love Life!
Our desire and enjoyment of our intimate lives are highly linked to our health, well-being, and quality of our romantic relationship.
If the last thing on your mind is making love, you are not alone! Low desire is the top sexual complaint of women, and a leading cause of frustration and divorce. Fortunately, there are many things YOU can do to increase your desire, connection and your pleasure.
An enjoyable, passionate love life will boost your mood, confidence, relationship, health and happiness!
Stress is the #1 desire killer, regardless of gender. When we feel stressed, overworked, or anxious, we lose the energy or mindset for intimacy. Lifestyle changes may be needed, but in the meantime, exercise is a quick stress reliever, as is meditation, yoga, doing relaxing or pleasurable activities, and getting plenty of sleep.
Taking care of yourself, and doing things that make you happy is necessary self-care, and not frivolous. Guilt-free prioritization of activities you enjoy is crucial. A stressed-out, pleasure-less woman is unlikely to enjoy her life, let alone her sexuality. Brainstorm what you like, what makes you happy, then hold yourself accountable to have fun or pleasurable times regularly, preferably daily. Socializing, baths, dance, being in nature, or exercise are great ways to replenish self; in contrast, excessive screen time disconnects users from real pleasure.
We spend most of our busy days “in our heads” but sexual pleasure takes place in the body. As females we often struggle with getting out of our heads and present and non-judgmental in the moment, known as "mindful.'
Practices help get out of your thoughts, distraction and anxiety enabling you to connect with your heart, body and sensuality. Sensation can also be improved. With practice, you can sensitize your body to experience more pleasure; you can strengthen your pelvic floor, awaken your g-spot, improve blood flow, sensation, and sensitivity to energy. Sensitization and mindfulness practices may include guided visualizations, meditation, mindful self-touch practices, flowing dance, breathwork or jade egg practices.
If your romantic relationship lacks the emotional connection and safety you crave, you are unlikely to feel ‘in the mood.’ Feeling seen, appreciated, desired, and/or loved fuels desire. To feel closer, share quality time together, show gratitude, and practice kindnesses. Have partner time where intimacy, rather than intercourse is the goal. Coaching includes relationship aspects that help bring you closer and more loving.
To improve your physical bonding, you may need to explore to learn what you like, and how to ask for what you are needing in a way that is connecting, and not critical. Create an atmosphere of being sexual explorers together!
Understand and Appreciate Male-Female Differences
Females differ from males not only in our anatomy, but also in our hormonal balance and cultural conditioning. As a result, female arousal, desire and response are vastly different from the testosterone-fueled male experience. Our desire ebbs and flows throughout the month, drops as we age, and our desire is often responsive, that is, we need some event, touch, or feeling before we feel desire.
Men’s libido is generally steadier, higher than ours, and men get fully aroused quickly, without a need for romance. Many men feel and show love via sexual connection, and conversely, many women need to feel loved and connected before being in the mood for lovemaking. So don’t resent your man for the way he was made; instead help him understand your differing needs and turn-ons.
If you’ve suffered sexual trauma, it’s not your fault, and it is never too late to resolve your issues. We’re incredibly resilient by nature, especially when getting professional support to heal and make permanent mindset and life changes. If negative conditioning, body shame, inexperience, or inner-critic challenges keep you from your pleasure, if you ‘own it’ and take responsibility, you can process it and move on. A coach will help you set and reach your intimacy goals with accountability, creativity, new skills and confidence.
If you suffer from pain or discomfort, laxity, or a numbness that dulls your sensation, methods can make sex pain free and enjoyable. The regenerative O-Shot or vFit at home device can alleviate pain and increase sensation. Your intimate life should be enjoyed, not avoided or endured!
Hormones and Exercise
Speak with your healthcare provider if you think your hormones may be impacting your mood and libido. Menopause, birth control pills, SSRIs and other medications and conditions often decrease desire, and may impact arousal and responsiveness as well. Hormonal imbalances can be adjusted. Exercise makes you feel better about yourself, boosts mood and increases blood flow.
Feel More Attractive and be More Compassionate with Yourself
Be kind to yourself and practice loving your body and self as you are; physical beauty is only a small part of you, and only a small part of creating a beautiful love life. Most partners value an enthusiastic lover who enjoys their touch over a perfect body; so a focus on increasing your comfort and enjoyment will reap confidence benefits. Do things to make yourself feel pretty even when at home, like wearing makeup, feminine clothes and adorning yourself with jewelry; enjoy flirting, dancing, playing, and receiving. What makes you feel feminine and sexy?
Banish Bedroom Boredom
Lack of variety kills desire, as does not getting the type of loving you crave. The sexual menu is vast; how do you know what you like if you’ve not tried it? Take some time to discover new things you might like from an emotional, physical, and theme perspective. You might enjoy role playing, submission-dominance, spiritual energy sex, or sensation play. Read books, erotica, search for ‘spice,’ or get a coach to explore. Share your desires with your partner; most partners are happy to please you, and appreciate being asked directly. Schedule uninterrupted love making time, sext, and enjoy the anticipation.
Improve your Outlook on Your Life, Your Partner, Sexuality and Your Body!
The new field of positive psychology proves that YOU can improve your well-being, positivity and life through positive interventions. I'm a sex therapist, relationship and intimacy coach, and positive psychology practioner. I can help you transform your relationship with your sensuality, your partner and your life.
I hope this is helpful! I offer a complimentary consultation and a personalized strategic love life map!
Debbie Marielle Elzea
Psychotherapist (CO) and Intimacy Specialist worldwide