How YOU create a sexy marriage, singlehandedly!!

Updated: Feb 4

Both men and women want loving, connected and sexy marriages. So why do I only work with the woman? Because, believe it or not, YOU have the ability to singlehandedly create the loving dynamic you BOTH crave, in a way that your man does not.

But what if HE is the problem? HE is the one who needs to change, or WE need couple’s counseling!

I hear you! And I don’t doubt that your man has plenty of room for improvement!

However, have you noticed how you telling him how and why he needs to change, or dragging him to a couples counselor in the hopes that he will finally see his mistakes, does NOT WORK?

You can’t force a man to do anything (!) but you can inspire him to be a ‘better man’ and treat you the way you desire. Making positive changes in yourself creates a win-win, because a good man reciprocates!

Here’s some evidence: have you ever noticed how when you show up relaxed, playful and in a good mood, your man is magnetically drawn to you? :-)

I’m a Colorado psychotherapist, intimacy, marriage and sacred sexuality specialist. I believe that even if your marriage or bedroom is currently a disappointment or a disaster, YOU have the power to create a loving, sexy relationship!

Here’s how:

  • Be your “best self,” and take responsibility for your well-being and happiness,

  • Deeply connect with your partner by understanding that your man is quite different from you; and is not a bigger, harrier woman!

  • Inspire him to want to please you, and show him how you want to be treated.

  • Become sexually and sensually empowered– getting over your blocks and creating your own unique pleasure and connection map, so that you can connect deeply as lovers!

Cultivate Positivity

Your mood and stress levels are largely within your control, not his. Your overwhelm, resentments and/or frustrations with life impact how you show up and how you relate to each other.

Fortunately, your well-being and happiness levels are largely based upon your mindset, and how you choose to view yourself, your man, and your life. The new science of positive psychology PROVES that YOU can shift and grow your energy, optimism, love and happiness by practicing enjoyable resilience and positivity methods.

So rather than blaming him for your unhappiness, which does zero good for either of you… you can take responsibility for your well being. If you don’t know how, get support and learn skills so you can show up happier in your life and magnetic to him!

Be Your Husband’s Girlfriend!”

To get the best out of your man, and enjoy your life and your love, be your husband’s girlfriend! Remember how you were when you were courting? Cute and flirty? Respectful and appreciative? Sexy? Remember how wonderful and eager to please you he was? By using your feminine wiles, and building up his masculine side, YOU can create that loving attraction again!

Appreciate Your Differences

When you accept that your man is not a big woman who is misbehaving…. ;-) but instead views life, sex and intimacy through a masculine lens, you learn to relate to him in a way that makes him want to please and delight you, and be your hero. You may need to go first, but that’s okay; because showing appreciation and doing nice things for other people make you feel good about yourself—and a good man reciprocates!


To be truly happy together, and divorce-proof your marriage, you’ve got to be LOVERS. We are all sexual beings, and this deep connection is something we’ve pledged to only share with one another. The physical bond is the glue keeps long-term couples happily together. It floods us with feel-good hormones that make everyday frustrations dissolve.

Ladies, if our personal blocks to pleasure and connection are causing us low desire or frustration, we can shift that! Most women experience inhibitors such as shame, negative conditioning, anxiety, distraction, not knowing what they like, or how to ask for it. You are not alone!

Help Him Please You!

As our man is not a mind reader, and it’s impossible for him to know what it is like to be in a woman’s body, let alone your particular body, heart and soul! It is up to us to know what we might like and be able to communicate our desires in a way that is connected and not critical.

Sexual connection and communication is an art, a science and learned skill! If you want to “get out of your head,” be playful, feel good, and be sexual explorers together, it’s up to you to get knowledge or support to get the ‘permission’ and the skills that enable you to be present, empowered and turned-on lover!

What’s Blocking Your Bliss?

If you don’t know precisely what you are needing most, I invite you to take my QUIZ: “What’s Blocking My Bliss? or read my paper for the Association of Marriage and Family Therapist, Six Things Women Need for Great Lovemaking, and how coaching is different from therapy.

The six things are Knowledge, Worthiness/Confidence, Time, Embodiment, Creativity and Emotional Connection. Make sense?

Living a Turned-on Life!

Being Lovers means creating an atmosphere of safety, intimacy, and emotional connection so that you can be ‘sensual explorers’ together. It is about lovemaking as opposed to merely ‘having sex.’ We also need to make our physical bond and joy a priority, giving it time and honor, as opposed to being the last thing on a crowded to-do list.

It’s about not waiting to be struck by both being ‘in the mood’ but instead living a Turned-On LIFE!

If you struggle with loving connection or physical pleasure, you are not alone, and you are not broken. Relationships and sexuality can be complex, and maybe you just need a guide!

If you could use support in this area, you are not alone or broken! Sexual pleasure, connection and male-female dynamics are complex, and I doubt anyone taught you!

I invite you to explore what help could look like by emailing me at, or booking a free intro call with me!


Debbie Elzea

Intimacy specialist for women, CO psychotherapist

Join my FB group More Intimacy in Marriage for Women

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