Updated: May 11
Want to know how to get precisely what you need from your man? Go FISH!
Example: Craving "words of affirmation," my love language (but not his) may ask: What do you love about us, honey?
I just adore my husband, David, and he adores me! Our life together is so loving, connected, affectionate and passionate…yet my Dave is a regular guy!
A man of few words, who is often stressed, busy, and let's face it, being a married man, rarely proactive when it comes to being romantic. (doesn't even relish being in hot tub selfies!)
Yet I’m an Intimacy Specialist for women! How do I have such a playful and romantic relationship with a regular guy?
The truth is I am an expert Fisherwoman.
By fisherwoman, I mean that because I crave a lot of quality time and connection, and I’m a romantic, I create everyday romance and connection. With gratitude and not resentment.
I ask for what I want, rather than wait (and wait) for my man to step up and “be romantic.” And I don’t get frustrated and resentful that I "Go Fish" for what I’d like.
Do you want to get in the hot tub together, play a game, give each other massages?” (quality time)
What do you love about me (us), beloved? (words of love)
With a smile, “how do I look?” (compliments)
I would love/could use a hug! (affection)
Or the non-verbal: grab his hand, his thigh, or his ***k! That gets his attention! (physical touch, initiation)
I know what you might be thinking.
Why isn't HE coming up with quality time and romance and beautiful words on his own?
And if I have to ask for them, they are not as valuable, and maybe don’t even count?
True; however this is a very he-said, she-said (early stage?) view of romance, and waiting for him to always take the initiative will likely make you both unhappy. :-(
What’s your alternative? Be unhappy that he’s not taking your hand, or noticing that you look pretty today? Scrolling phones, and building resentment, instead of laughing together, touching or making love?
Your man is not you, and he is not a mind reader. If you don’t ask, you probably won’t receive.
Fortunately, a good man DOES want to make you happy. By asking for what you need, you are making it easy for him to make you happy.
For this to work brilliantly, you do need a relationship that is peaceful, and where he feels appreciated for his effort.
There is an art in asking for what you want a way that doesn’t feel controlling, complaining or nagging. (please let me know if this is not currently the case for you; because YOU can change this too)
Not asking for what you want can have serious consequences. Misunderstanding, resentment, anger, even divorce.
A young, kindhearted dad that I play pickleball with is divorced with two young children. He explained his wife left him because he was "not proactive" in planning dates, vacations and being romantic enough. So sad, so fixable with a few communication skills, but instead yet another broken family.
His ex-wife is now a single mama, online looking for Mr. Romantic. (I cautioned him to be alert for his children’s well-being as pedophiles target mothers of young children to get access.)
Do you know women that have left (or made miserable a man) who was a great person/father/provider because he was not romantic enough?
The woman can actually singlehandedly create a connected, loving marriage with the regular guy you've got…look at me, and my clients! If what you’ve been doing hasn’t worked, you may just need a shift, skills and support; I invite you to a breakthrough session with me; no charge, no pitching, just exploration!
Creating an atmosphere of play and gratitude and bedroom magic is within your power! Get what you want by becoming an expert Fisherwoman!
I invite you email me at firstname.lastname@example.org; and /or book a free session.
Debbie Marielle Elzea
Intimacy specialist for women, CO psychotherapist