Updated: Sep 3, 2020
A great sex life does not just happen; it needs to be nurtured by giving it priority and time. Yet society expects us to put work, parenting, and almost every other obligation before sex and quality connection with our partners. Hollywood and porn give the impression that sex should be lustful, ‘mutually spontaneous’ and ‘just happen,’ but this is a damaging myth that leads to many sexless relationships. There is nothing wrong with scheduling time for sex; it’s enjoyable to have something to look forward to, and makes it far more likely to happen.
In addition to planning sexy times, women need to spend time on self-care, which is regularly doing things that we enjoy that are good for us; self-care keeps our worthiness and self-love tanks full. It’s not an indulgence that requires spending money, but is an acknowledgment that we are responsible for our own well-being. Self-care might be time spent in nature, hobbies, socializing or simply extra sleep. Ironically, studies show that the things that suck the most free time (binge-watching, social media, and excessive screen time) contribute not to happiness but instead to ‘anhedonia,’ or being disconnected from real pleasure.
Next, we need time for arousal. If a man’s sexual response is like a microwave, ours is a crockpot! Our anatomy simply needs more time than our man to relax and get primed for sex. Female parts have as much erectile tissue as a male, but can take 20- 40 minutes of attention to be primed. Unfortunately, the average sex act is all over in under 8 minutes! Hence the orgasm gap, and a ‘whole lot o’ faking going on;’ about 20% of women fake orgasm every time, and at least half fake some of the time.
A reason that unscheduled sex doesn’t ‘just happen’ more often is because (with the exception of the passionate early stages of a new relationship) female arousal is often more responsive than spontaneous, that is, desire is not on auto-pilot; instead it follows stimulation and arousaI. This explains why a woman who is not initially in the mood or initiating, will find that if she gives her partner a bit of time to seduce and arouse her, is often glad she did.
In coaching a woman learns the power of mindfulness and slowing down. She explores and discovers turn-ons, techniques, rituals and touch she likes--and then applies them to her love life in a slow, sensuous way. A great sex life benefits her physical, emotional and relationship well being, and is well worth the investment of quality time.
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