For Great Sex Lives, Women need Connection!
Sexual satisfaction and emotional connection are highly correlated
Women who rate themselves the most sexually satisfied also rate their relationships as highly emotionally connected. But which comes first...are you emotionally connected because you rock each others’ worlds in the bedroom? Or is it that your emotional connection makes you want to jump each other’s bones? It may depend on whether you ask a man or a woman….and why does it matter where the sexual connection originates as long as you create this blissful cycle?
Your lover is not a mind reader or a magician!
It’s your responsibility to know what you like, love, and also your boundaries, and be able to communicate your desires to your partner, whether he’s your long term mate or a new man. Communicating about sex is proven to make it better. Fortunately, you need never utter the scrotum-shriveling, ‘we need to talk,’ or ruin the mood by making requests that make your partner feel criticized, when there are connected and playful alternatives. So why not try exchanging desires, with each alternating asking the question, ‘how would you like me to touch you for three minutes?’ Request what you like, do what you are comfortable doing, and debrief throughout. So much more accurate than guessing, or reading about what men or women supposedly want in Cosmo...
Men are not Big Hairy Women!
The adage: ‘men give love to get sex, women give sex to get love’ is based in biology. High levels of testosterone mean that for most men, sex begins in the body; it’s felt as a hunger, a craving, with spontaneous desire. Once a man’s sexual tension is released, he’s flooded with bonding hormones, freeing his feelings of connection, affection and vulnerability.
In contrast, for most women, desire starts in her mind, memory or emotions. Typically women desire sex when they feel emotionally connected, safe, and desired, and such attachment is created when they spend quality time with their man, including conversation and affection. Ironically, these male-female arousal differences often cause the classic sex-intimacy standoff, where she loses interest in sex because she doesn’t feel emotionally connected, which causes (or is the result of) her partner shutting down and disconnecting emotionally because his sexual hunger is not satisfied. Reconnecting is often as simple as one of them ‘going first’ to change the pattern and open up both the sexual and emotional intimacy floodgates.
As a woman’s biggest turn-on is often feeling desired by her man, she can stoke his desire by cultivating her feminine energy, generally seen as a playful, creative essence. The stronger the polarity with his masculine energy, the stronger the sexual attraction. There are many things she can do to step into her feminine, receiving side, including physical care and self-care; that is doing things she enjoys on a regular basis. She can also cease things she may be doing to inadvertently turn her husband off her, which according to men, include disrespect, nagging, lack of appreciation, and not putting effort into her appearance. Both partners would benefit from adherence to ‘the Platinum Rule,’ an improvement over the golden rule of treating your partner like you yourself would like to be treated. Men are not women, and your man is not all men--find out exactly how he would like to be treated, then do that!
Cultivating a connected sex life is one of the best things you can do for your relationship happiness, along with gratitude, according to a vast 2020 couples study. If you find yourself staring at the ceiling in frustration instead of basking in bonding hormones--get help! A professional can help you figure out what you like sexually, communicate it to your man in a playful way, so you can get the love, passion and connection you both crave!