Client story: Happiness & Intimacy

How can the “Science of Happiness” help your intimacy thrive?

My client Darrie experienced breakthroughs from her very first session with me. She shifted from frustration and overwhelm, to gratitude for her life and her man. She describes a few of her many results in this video:

Working with Debbie “not only impacted my relationship; it’s impacted the way I think, I live, and my kids.” “What I’ve learned will last me a lifetime.”

Darrie describes it as falling deeply in love with each other again, and feeling mutual attraction for each other. Stress levels are way down, peace abounds, and desire went from virtually non-existent, back to the honeymoon stage!

The first shift she experienced was by focusing on what is good in her live right now, instead of ruminating on the past, and/or making comparisons to some perfect ideal, she instantly became happier! And learned how to maintain it, and instill practices in her kiddos.

Science proves that mindset is key! A full 50% of our happiness levels are based on how we view our lives, ourselves, and our partners. Our thoughts and attitudes are actually far more important than ‘“what happens to us.”

For example, studies show that lottery winners return to pre-riches happiness levels after the initial elation wears off. People who become paraplegic feel awful initially, but after adjusting to new circumstances, their happiness level also returns to their set point.

The science of well-being proves that money doesn’t buy happiness. Meaning, accomplishment and loving relationships are the path. And what can give you more a sense of accomplishment and meaning than a loving intimate relationship? I often say to my husband Dave, “making a good man happy gives my life purpose.” Making others happy has the bonus of making YOU happy!

I’m an intimacy specialist for women and psychotherapist. I have a certificate in the new field of ‘positive psychology.’ Traditionally, psychology has focused on pain, problems, the past, trauma and mental illness. Positive psychology works with otherwise healthy individuals, helping them use tested methods to improve their well-being, resilience, optimism, and in doing so, their relationships.

So, backed by the science of positive psychology, my intimacy coaching does not require probing the past, or dragging your husband into couples counseling, where you often complain about each other. Those negative approaches often do not get you the result you want; intimacy full of ease, connection and joy. Your husband, like Darrie’s, need not even know what you are up to; he just gets to love the benefits of her transformation. I like to say, my coaching is a bargain as it is a “two-for-one.” One person is coached, but two reap the rewards!

How do both transform? When we transform ourselves in some key areas, including learning to treat our husband in the ways he craves being treated, he becomes the wonderful guy who wooed us again. He need not even be involved, but when his woman shows up less stressed, in a good mood, and as his girlfriend, a good man reciprocates! (see my article: are you your man’s roommate, mother, rival or girlfriend? Hint: ‘girlfriend’ is the best way to live!)

Positive psychology also proves that you do not need to depend on your spouse to change for you to feel happier. When you start showing up more relaxed, grateful, and happy, you not only shift the loving dynamic of your relationship, the whole family benefits (when mama’s not happy, nobody’s happy!)

The definition of disappointment is unmet expectations. In sessions we shift mindsets in this area. No one's life is perfect, and no person is perfect; not you, not your spouse. But perfection is unnecessary. Here are some ways I help my clients show up happier, less stressed, and cultivate intimacy:

  • Ever notice how when you are complaining, dissatisfied, or unhappy, instead of jumping up to “change,” it’s likely that your man withdraws? We stop getting ‘the worst’ out of each other.

  • Notice how when you are in a good mood, your man is magnetically drawn to you? When you feel supported and learn time-proven methods like self-care, and improve your well-being and spirits, you show up playful and optimistic, and build your mutual desire!

  • We learn to put on our love-colored glasses, and relate to our man in a way that makes him want to please and delight us! Feminine empowerment and male-female dynamics are not taught in our increasingly gender-neutral society….but our man is not a bigger, hairier woman, nor do we really want him to be, do we? We learn to celebrate our differences and start complementing and complimenting each other; this builds desire and makes our man our hero!

  • Positivity is essential for sensual empowerment. Stop being so hard on yourself, your body, your negative talk, your ‘performance.’ Be present in the moment, in your senses and not ‘up in your head.’ Learn what pleases and delights you in the bedroom, how to communicate it, and have fun with it. Shift from "having zex," to "making love."

  • Intimacy coaching is positive: if you struggle, you are not broken, you may just need to lighten up, learn skills, explore what you like, and how to get it!

Are you ready to make your life more pleasurable, relaxed and connected? I invite you to a no-charge breakthrough session with me.

Enjoy Darrie’s story: “Working with Debbie has been the best investment I’ve ever made. What I’ve learned will last me a lifetime.” Are you ready to both fall in love again?

Lots of love!

Debbie Elzea

Intimacy Counselor for Women, CO 'positive' psychotherapist

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