Being your husband’s girlfriend, lover, and partner is a wonderful way to live your lives.

It brings out the joy in you and the best in him: the desire to please you, spend time with you, protect and provide for you, give you pleasure and joy!

But once married, many of us fall into being roommates or pals, mothers or rivals.

Read how each kills desire and intimacy and what to do about it!


You parent and run a household together, but you’ve lost the spark, the attraction, and might be taking each other for granted. You are not feeling like a sexy woman, nor treating him as a desirable MAN.

Maybe he’s even told you that you are a wonderful mother, but wishes you were wonderful as a wife? Or one of you says, I love you, but I don’t feel the connection/spark? Or maybe one of you is just too tired to be attentive, so the other feels rejected and starts to detach?

Even if you are best friends, if you are not being sexual beings together, or not making your husband feel like your priority and YOUR MAN, you both miss out on something beautiful.

You can get companionship from friends and family, but you can only be sexy and playful lovers with each other. Being neutral, passionless, roommates and not lovers, is a lost opportunity for both to connect at a uniquely pleasurable and loving mind, body and spiritual level. And usually when sex dies out, over time, so does affection, playfulness and fondness.

Break the roommate cycle, or risk a sex and love starved life.


You might feel like your advice, and taking-charge are necessary and helpful. However, to a man, being told what to do by his woman is likely felt as nagging, control, and criticism; making him feel disrespected and not trusted…

Even if he “needs” your guidance, even if he complies, a ‘mothered’ man is an emasculated man. A man who feels disrespected often shows up resentful, incapable, nasty and/or emotionally shut down. Mothering certainly doesn’t get the best out of him.

Plus, a man loses attraction to the woman who reminds him of his mother. And when you view him as a man-child, you certainly don’t feel like his sexy goddess, do you?

A risk is that you lose all desire for each other. And that he will want to find a woman who looks up to him, respects and views him as a man…not a child or a project.

You married him because he was strong, capable, attractive, right? He’s still that guy!

You can get the best out of him, once you have the skills.


Competing against each other, whether in careers, running the home, judging his child raising, frustration that he is not doing things as you would have done them, who is smarter, who is busier….is toxic to love.

Are you resentful that he wants attention and S3x…can’t he see how overwhelmed you are? Have you forgotten how to flirt and be sweet and playful?

You are not the same; you bring different gifts and skills to the relationship! You are a team, you compliment each other, your successes are his successes and vice versa.

Similar to mothering, when you compete to “wear the pants in the family” you risk killing off the natural masculine-feminine dynamic needed for attraction and desire.

To get the best out of your man, what would happen if you delighted in being his QUEEN, rather than competing with him to be KING?

Be Your Husband’s GIRLFRIEND!

This is the most loving, playful and joyful way to live your life! This is where you find yourself taken care of, protected, safe, provided for, desired and cherished!

But you are a wife now; how can you be a girlfriend? It’s a mindset! I am my husband David’s Girlfriend, and he loves it!!

Remember when you were falling in love? When you wanted him to put a ring on you? What was different? What were you like? You are still that gal inside!

Even if he now seems more like a ‘toad,’ than the ‘prince’ you married, you can bring the KING out in him by showing up as his Queen!

The woman has an amazing ability to shift the loving dynamics of the marriage, that the man does not. It is truly up to YOU. My intimacy coaching for married women is based upon this:

1. YOU get the best out of your man and your life, by showing up as your best self. Ever notice how when you show up in a good mood and less stressed, your man is irresistibly drawn to you?

2. You learn to relate to your man in a way that brings out the best in him and not the worst. Using your feminine charms, new intimacy skills, and showing up as your inner girlfriend, you get a man who wants to please and delight you and be your hero!

3. The beauty and power of being LOVERS, not roommates! Love your lovemaking.

FYI: A man’s top sexual desire is that you, his woman, DESIRE HIM!

And that YOU ENJOY YOURSELF in lovemaking.

If your desire and enjoyment is flagging or never was great, YOU can change this!!

I’m an intimacy specialist for women—trust me, if your intimacy is not what you want it to be, it is far more within YOUR control to change it than it is hoping he will be a mind-reader and magician and magically know exactly what you need…

See my articles on what women need for great intimacy: knowledge, confidence, embodiment, time, creativity and perhaps most importantly: EMOTIONAL CONNECTION.

Also, if your man is the one who has shut down from you sexually, YOU can also change this dynamic once you have the skills.

I hope this was helpful for you in identifying the joy and connection possible with being your man’s girlfriend, versus the frustration and toxicity of being his mother, rival or roommate.

If you could use support in this area, you are not alone or broken! Sexual pleasure, connection and male-female dynamics are complex, and I doubt anyone taught you!

I invite you to explore what help could look like by booking a free intro call with me here.


Debbie Elzea

Intimacy Specialist for Women, Psychotherapist (CO)

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